¡SOY NICA!

I lay on the cold metal table as the doctor slowly slides the needle further and further into my vein. The new blood is injected into my body replacing the blood that was once present. It is true; my blood will never be the same. But the pain is worth it; this new blood runs through my veins keeping me alive.
 
Okay, so maybe I haven’t had an actual blood transfusion but I have no doubt in my mind that NICA runs through my veins.
 
During debrief this morning I was given a piece of paper titled, Debriefing My Experience. It had columns for both the “Great Things” and “Hard Things” for the topics: “What I’ll Always Remember, Where I Served, My Teammates, Who I Met, and What I Learned.” As I sat with this paper in my hands tears immediately ran down my sun burnt cheeks, frustration and sadness took over my entire body. I HATED THIS PAPER!
 
How was I supposed to place my feelings into little white boxes? For me this time has been so much more than an “experience.” The people I have met aren’t just some of my good friends, or some needy people I helped and pitied for a few months. They have become a part of me. I would take a bullet for my Nicaraguan family, or my “mafia”, as Conny likes to call it. And my “teammates”… they are the ones I shared life with day in and day out. They have seen me smile until my cheeks hurt, laugh until I almost peed my pants, cry until I started weeping, worship at the top of my lungs, and love like Christ loved.  They know more about me from four months than some people know that have known me for the entirety of my life. There is no way I could explain even one of them in a few short words, they are INCREDIBLE men and women of God.
 
“What I’ll always remember, What have I learned?” I don’t even know how to begin to answer these questions, all I know is I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. NEVER! Not next week when I return home, not next year, not when I am a cute little eighty-five year old woman who can barely walk (you all know the special place in my heart for little old ladies…) So please I BEG YOU, don’t expect me to be the same “Amy Crow” I was when I left on January 13^th because to be completely honest, I don’t even know that girl anymore.
 
My only expectation of my time here in Nicaragua was to truly get to know my Lord and Savior, to fall completely in love with Him. God gave me all that plus so much more, and now that it is coming to an end I feel like celebrating and crying all at the same time. So am I really ready to leave Nicaragua, to go back to my “lifestyle” whatever the heck that is supposed to mean? I honestly don’t know. Part of me wants to beg my teammates to leave me here so I can have more time with the people I love here in Nicaragua, but another part of me is bubbling in anticipation to see the beautiful faces of my loved ones back “home.”
 
So I am sorry if I can’t fill out a worksheet or if I can’t answer the questions I am sure I will be bombarded with when I return, but these past four months were so much more than going on a Passport trip. It was real life, MY LIFE. And not to badmouth any of the debriefing process, I completely see the purpose in thinking through these things and organizing the thoughts on paper, but honestly I am just at a loss for words. My emotions are taking over and God is showing me how much this place really means to me, the passion I have for these people! I am not completely ready to say goodbye, but I am putting my trust in my Savior, who has perfect timing, trusting that He will be sufficient in my times of weakness. That He will hold me as I am sure I will be spending many of the next few nights in tears.
 
God gave me these four months as a gift and now He gives me my next season of life back at “home” this summer working as an intern with another local mission organization called, Mission Indy, and after that who knows where He will lead. But one thing I do know is that I can only do these things, or anything, because I serve a God who is mighty and who understands my feelings and loves me no matter what. Seven days from today I will be packing up leaving and it might be the toughest thing I have ever done but I will make it through.
 
So please, don’t get me wrong, I am anxiously awaiting my time in the states, and I know that thinking and processing through this time is completely necessary. But it will be extremely difficult, and I might not always have the words to say or the answers, but that’s okay. Because God doesn’t call us to an easy life, and sometimes we can’t comprehend or voice what God has brought us through. So I apologize if my words are jumbled or if my worksheet is blank but I know that Nicaragua has affected me and God has changed me FOREVER! Thank you Jesus for these past four months, you blew my expectations away! SOY NICA (I am Nicarguan!)