journey of fasting

I have had this longing to get closer to God and to build relationships with every member of my team, but no matter how hard I tried I felt my self close off. I didnt know what to do to keep my own emotional fears deep inside and not let them affect my relationships.

These walls that I have spent years building and perfecting with my own strength to protect myself has been taken over by fear of ever getting close and vulnerable with anyone…even God. That was just it; it was my own strength and not Gods. It was then God showed me what I needed to do. I needed to fast; to allow my body to grow weak, so that the spirit of God can grow strong within me; to surrender all control over to God so that he can break me and rebuild me to resemble more of him. I was terrified! I have never fasted before and knew nothing about it other than the fact that God has called me to do it. However, as I am still learning to be obedient to God, and am willing to do anything just to get closer to Him, I accepted. and the jouney began!

The first day of fasting God asked me to pray for myself, and I was not able to do it. I can easily pray for any other person, but God revealed to me my inner soul of feeling like I do not deserve love; including recieving prayer. This was the first wall that had to be broken. That night as I was spending alone time with God, I was sitting beneath the most beautiful sunset I have ever seen and realize that it is God´s gift to me for a hard day of obedience. I start reading my bible, and he tells me to stop and watch this piece of art he is painting in the sky for me, so I put my bible down. Then, I start singing worship songs to thank him, but he tells me to be quiet and listen because he wants to sing to me through the sounds of his creation. So I sit and watch and listen. Through this sunset, God tells me that my heart is like the sunset. It started off beautiful, but I am always changing and transforming to make it even more beautiful creation than before. 

I was still unsure of how long this fast was going to last but now as I go on day 2 I was already exhausted and fatigued. However, as always, God was faithful and got me through the day with all his strength and energy, and none of my own. Throughout the day God continued the lesson of being able to pray for myself, except this time I was able to do it! 

Day 3 comes and I woke up just ready and excited to see what God has instore for this day. As I was praying in the morning, he gave me a list of names of people that have hurt me in the past and have caused me to put up my walls to hide those feeling from ever coming to surface. I wrote the names on my arm, and my instruction was to pray for them continually throughout the day until I feel nothing but love for them. So, That night we were at the soccer field with the kids and it starts raining. I look down and see the the names written on my arm are fading. It was God telling me he is tearing down the walls, but I had to scrub the rest of the way. As a way of saying that it is a “it takes two” type of thing. He will remove the walls but I have to allow him to do it. 

So After that I felt a huge weight off of my shoulders and just felt in complete peace after the storm. I had a feeling that after three days of nothing but water, my fast is over. That night , I mentioned when we were in our group that for my first meal the next day, I would love pancakes! so we prayed for pancakes. And the next morning for breakfast, I had pancakes! PRAISE GOD! 

Overall throughout this whole journey and through all the lessons God really showed me that I need to give him my WHOLE heart. That he is the only one in the world that knows how to treat, and nurture, and protect it. He showed me that when people come into my life I am able to love them just how Jesus loves them, but without giving away my heart. God will reveal to me to whom it is ok to share my heart with, but in the meantime I just need to keep praying, and trusting.