Facing Myself in Nicaragua

Well, I have officially been in Nicaragua for a week and two days. And let me tell you, those have been some of the most challenging days of this year so far. Everything has been wonderful, don't get me wrong, but there is one concept in particular that I have been getting familiar with that has been provoking some growth that might not have happened if I hadn't come here. And here it is:

You bring yourself with you when you go on the mission field.

This may sound strange, and even in writing it I feel a little silly. Of course you bring yourself, duh! But really, think about it… 
 At home I have everything immediately within my reach. Every comfort and convenience is right there in front of me. I have a wonderful family, a loving boyfriend, control over my schedule, Internet at all times, friends that I love, a job I enjoy.. The list goes on. I am so blessed with all of these things. Here, I contact my friends, family, and boyfriend IF I can take a 10 minute walk to the bus stop, catch a bus that may or may not be on time, take a 10-15 minute ride into town where the bus drops us off so we can walk for a few more minutes to get to the Internet cafe. My schedule is not my own. My job here is generally pretty sweaty whether it is gardening, mopping, or painting. It's different to be sure.
 And ya know what? Some days I love it, some days I struggle. It's all part of the adjustment to simplify my life, to serve God in this season in the way He has called me to. And in that way, I truly do adore it. I get the opportunity to grow, to get away and have my idea of God, life, and ministry completely redefined on this beautiful island. How many people are that lucky?
 With that comes a unique set of challenges that I was not really expecting. In my mind, I knew I was leaving all of the comforts of air conditioning and modern convenience to serve and learn the Lord's heart better this summer. But I'm not sure I was fully prepared for what leaving those comforts meant.
 What I didn't realize was that all of these things, while wonderful and truly a gift from God, did a really good job of distracting me from some of the things that have been on my heart. It's so easy to pick up my phone and text someone when I'm distressed or have something on my mind at home. It's so easy to give an excuse about why I don't have time to read the Word before I go to sleep. It's so easy to push aside all of my questions and concerns and get caught up in the day to day life instead of seeking the Lord and HIS heart for all of these things. It's all so easy.
 Here, I am completely out of my comfort zone, experiencing a set of very unique emotions and thought processes as I settle into life in Nicaragua. I have hours a day, while serving and working, to think and pray and question things. It's actually been kind of difficult and humbling to see the contents of my heart revealed to me. It's quite uncomfortable to admit that I have pain that I haven't dealt with, fears and insecurities about my future, and so many misconceptions about the heart of my Creator.
 One thing has become very obvious to me:

 I don't really trust Him. 

OUCH! Is that really true? In the absence of all of the things I run to to distract myself from that fact at home, I have been coming to terms with that awful truth. I know that is really common and has been there in me for a long time, however it is no less ugly to look at and examine.
 That's really what I mean when I say "You take yourself with you…" Out of all the things I left behind, friends, family, comforts I'm used to, I brought myself and all of my issues with me.
 While that's been difficult to swallow, I am overwhelmed at the mercy of Jesus. He doesn't let me stay in a place where I don't understand His heart or trust Him. He very gently and lovingly pulls me away, JUST to make sure I know He is for me. He is not content that I should be living in a state of brokenness. He wants me to thrive..
 And so here I am! Out in the wild so to speak, exploring the depths of His love for me, day by day. It's not always easy. I still miss my family, friends, and boyfriend. I miss them all a lot. But I love knowing that God is changing my heart, posturing me to be ready receive healing and love. He still brings up areas where I need to grow every day. For instance, the last four days I spent on a roof with tons and tons of spiders. We have been reprinting this cement awning thing and those of you who know me know that my two least favorite things are spiders and heights. How did that help me grow? Well, it's not the end of the world if I'm covered in insects and heights aren't as bad as they seem. I know that doesn't sound like a big lesson or anything, but the truth of it is, I'm learning to serve with a good attitude even when circumstances are less than comfortable. And that's a valuable skill to have. So I'm really thankful.
 So that's about it. No conclusions yet, only a revelation and a process of growth and renewal. This life is all about the journey anyway, but that's a little peek into what's been going on in this little heart of mine as I continue this adventure. It's raw, but I'd like to invite you into knowing my heart, knowing my weaknesses, my strengths, and how God is moving in my day to day life.
 So until next time, be blessed!

P.S. I won't be updating for probably two weeks since we are beginning a week of ministry on the other side of the island starting tomorrow, and Internet is not probably going to be available. Stay tuned for updates on that! I'm so excited to see what God does!