This past week I have been struggling with the thought of healing. Being numb, and without emotion for some time has a tendency to create negative thoughts about the word. I woke up yesterday morning thinking "Oh, great its Valentine's Day", in obviously a very sarcastic way. I jumped in the shower running late as usual, threw on some clothes(during early morning prayer), and ran to breakfast. As I walked in I saw that the table was covered with donuts, fake roses, and candy. This somewhat lightened the mood because this is obviously not normal in Nicaragua, but then again.. what is? The more I thought about it, the more I loved getting to spend a day full of love with a group of 9 amazing women that I have grown so close to in such a short amount of time. We all ate until we we were sick, and went on with our "usual" day in Nicaragua.
Our leaders had told us that they were planning something special for us. I was expecting to eat ice cream, watch a chick flick, and possibly girl talk. I was completely wrong. That night we all sat at our "kitchen table" and listened to a sermon on forgiveness. I wasn't ecstatic about it. All I could think about was every one back home, and ice cream. As I continued to listen, I started to hear the truth in the preacher's words. After the sermon we were asked to write down the names of people that have wronged us, and what we need to forgive them for. We were then told to write "love keeps no record of wrongs" in bold print over the top of whatever we had written down, and then once we folded it up were told to write "we love because he first loved us". When every one was done writing, we went outside to find a bon fire waiting there for us. Then we were asked to throw our papers in the fire. This may seem like any other camp, or retreat forgiveness ritual, but this time it meant more to me.
There is just something about a bon fire that creates some kind of hidden emotion. Maybe it was Explosions in the Sky playing in the back ground. Or maybe the fact that I was sitting at a bon fire in a third world country roasting marshmallows over a fire that was ignited by my forgiveness. It could have even possibly been that it was the second time in my life that i felt God the clearest. Whatever it might have been that caused me to feel, i felt. Looking up at the cloudy moonlit sky I felt God's love despite the heart ache, despite the poverty, despite the past, despite the place.
I realized that healing takes place when you are open to it, and when it is God's timing. But you have to run to God. Sometimes the source isn't the problem; its the emotion that they brought into your life. So why am I blogging about my healing process, and not about the ministry, or everyday life here? Because where would I be in this process if I hadn't listened to God and came to Nicaragua? If i had not experienced the poverty, the broken heartedness of the world? I would have never had the opportunity to experience the abundance of God's overwhelming grace. Leaving what you are used to in hopes of bettering others can sometimes cause a breakthrough in you. Not only is God working through us to touch the people here, but he is working in us.
