"Would you rather know that you are loved, accepted or important?"
I was posed this question two weeks ago, and it has been on my mind ever since. Allegra was the one who asked the question, and she followed it quickly with: "I bet I know which one it is. I think you probably would want to know that you are important." I knew that the question was much deeper than my environment would let me think at that moment, so I shrugged it off. "I'm not so sure… I'm gonna have to get back to you on that one."
Well I've been thinking about it since. Growing up, Allegra's guess probably would have been my answer: I wanted to know that I was important. I sought every position of responsibility available to me to prove that I was important, that I was valuable. I was a Sunday School teacher, babysitter, tutor, worship leader, youth group leader, treasurer and anything else that seemed like a way to confirm that I was needed. Somehow though, those positions never seemed to grant me the satisfaction of recognition that was motivating all of the hard work. Sometimes I would get that special acknowledgment and a thank you that filled me up for a moment, but the second the spotlight turned away, it seemed hollow and empty.
But there was also a phase when all I wanted was to be accepted by those around me. My whole hearted desire was to have "my people". For me, it was never a wrong crowd or those with questionable morals… But it could have been. I came to the realization of my need for acceptance on my World Race, and it was the threshing floor of my brokenness throughout the duration of the trip. I constantly felt the desire to be accepted to a particular group or friendship, thinking that if I was closer to so-and-so or if I was a part of their prayer group, then that would be the secret to feeling like I belonged, that I was accepted. It never worked. As I fed that need for acceptance, the hole just kept getting deeper and deeper, it was never full and I was never satisfied.
I remained broken in that for a long time.
Now, God is bringing me to the pinnacle, and I recognize my answer to the question: Above all else, I want to know that I am loved. And as I walked through my desire to be important and my need to be accepted, so now I recognize my fight to be loved. I see those relationships that I turn to in desiring to be filled up, those friendships that I sincerely hope the other person holds as valuable and precious as I do. And the lies that plague my mind when doubts creep in regarding their sincerity: "Would they do that if you werereally valuable to them? And how much did they really mean it when they said, 'Your friendship is important to me,'?" This battle usually ends one of two ways: either fear of love unreciprocated causes me to build walls, or fear of being forgotten causes me to cling all the more to their love. Neither of those leave me content in my relationships.
So what now? I end with a quote I found in Erin McManus' book, "Soul Cravings":
"It is insanity to run from God and search for love."
And it is there I find my solution.
