I´ve been racking my brain trying to write another blog especially since one of my best friends, Rachel, told me she´s been waiting for me to write more. I start them all off the same only to lose sight of my report halfway through. So I decided to tell you a little bit more of where I´ve been to understand, even myself, of where I´m at.
This last year was by far the most difficult season of my life. Every obstacle in my life I´d felt I had been keeping under my palms until they finally drowned out my view of God. It was like for the first time, I felt too weak to handle the life at my feet.
For most of my life, I had felt unworthy. I felt as though I was the big disappointment of the family. For others looking in, it seemed as though my family would be proud. I stayed in school, out of trouble, I was involved in sports and student government in high school, then this last year I was a freshman in college working my way through the bills with a little help from my Dad. Despite the trials and temptations practically forced into my hands, I held to the beauty of God and the truth.
I was the glue of the family.
To ask of anyone is a lot. To ask of a 19 year old girl to do it most of her life-an impossible task for her to rely soley on her own strength. Luckily for me, I didn´t rely on my strength. I didn´t realize until I look back on my life how intervening God is. I see all the things God has saved me from.
Yes, the woman who gave birth to me does not choose to be a part of my life. And yes, a year ago in this moment I can promise that the words ´´I´m unlovable. I´m a disappointment. How could anyone love me if my own Mom couldn´t? I´m not strong enough anymore´´ were either on repeat in my mind or mumbled across my intoxicated mouth.
For so long, for years, they were thoughts. Last September especially, they became my anthem. I´ll be honest. Last year is a blur only pieced together by photographs and voicemails played back to me. Moments altogether I wish to have no memory of.
Here´s what´s great:
Looking at me now, you´d never know that 6 months ago I got out of the most trying time of my life. My teammates here have repeated the word ´´Strength´´ about me. And I know this is why I´m still here. I am supposed to be living proof of the tattoo that resides on my right arm. Philippians 4:13 For I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me.
I am not here by any means of the strength I draw from my own flesh- I´d have given up long ago if that were the case. However, the strength within me provided by the Holy Spirit is the cause of my current location; mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. From last year to right now spreading His love in Nicaragua has absolutely nothing to me except accepting the strength God has instilled in me.
Can I just tell you the best feeling in the world? After always believing I´m not where I´m supposed to be-school, work, my apartment, even with some friends, I finally know this: This is exactly where God wants me. This place, in this hammock, with these wonderful ladies and my fierce leaders. For the first time I can remember, I know this is part of God´s plan.
This is where I am meant to be. And suddenly, the detours of my past only mean that much more because no matter the paths I choose to take, God will always bring me back from the rocky trails I´ve chosen, to see His Glorious Monuments.
