Dear God

Dear God,

            I’m seriously so sad it’s crazy. I can constantly feel the tears welling up behind my eyes and a lump in my throat the size of a golf ball.  In a way I asked for this, I asked you to keep breaking me down more and more. I wasn’t however, prepared for this at all, I thought I was broken enough. I thought I cried enough from my heart breaking for the people here in Nicaragua, you called me here and instantly made me feel at home. Now, I find myself wanting to be back home in Minnesota. I guess this is another situation where I have to decide, am I going to trust You or am I going to try to get through this myself… If these two months have taught me anything it’s that I do trust You, completely. I see the good that comes from trusting You, I know You’re faithful and I know You’re my comforter. But I need time to grieve, is that okay? Is it okay if I feel sad? I’ll try not to dwell on the things I can’t understand and constantly lay this all down at the foot of the cross. I can’t promise I won’t be distracted from time to time but I do promiseI’ll give until I have nothing left. I’ll continue to love this community You’ve put me in for such a time as this.

             On that note, I’m incredibly thankful for the family I have here. I couldn’t ask for a better group of women to surround me and support me as I put all my trust in You. I thank You for Wendi’s motherly nature that always makes me feel at home. I thank You for Hope’s laughter that can pick me up anytime I’m feeling sad. I thank You for Saleena’s gift of breaking down walls and really getting to know who You’ve created me to be. I thank You for Jennifer’s optimism even in the midst of my sadness. I thank You for Calah’s willingness to love selflessly even if that means she has to put herself last. I thank You for Alisa’s ears that listen and heart that doesn’t judge my circumstances. I thank You for Britt’s unshakeable faith in You because it encourages me to remain faithful and for her freedom to be herself. Lastly, I thank You for Leigha, You’ve placed us together so perfectly to grow in You. You’ve given me someone I can relate to on so many levels and I thank you for that. I thank You for 8 new sisters when I’ve never had any, I thank You for community when I really never knew what it meant to live in it. The list could go on and on with these women because the truth is You knew exactly what each of us needed here in Nicaragua.

            I thank You for Nica and the time I have here. I’m thankful for Daisy, Benjamin, Elvis, Bonnie, Carlos, Lynne and Glenn, Jeison, and all the lives that are touching mine while You are using me to touch theirs as well. I pray you’d continue to help me recognize all these things and more that I have to be thankful for in the midst of me being broken. I pray I’d fully seek You because You are in control and I won’t ever be. I’m grateful for Your word and how it sustains me, I’m grateful You fill me with Your Holy Spirit daily. I also want to thank You for my family back home, for supportive parents that will wait two hours to go to the store just to skype with me. For three brothers who have looked out for me and loved me my whole life. I’m grateful for friends who continue to pour into my life even while I’m away, for friends that have proved to be true friends. I’m thankful for those who sacrificed money they could have kept for themselves just so I could be obedient to Your call, and for all of those who are dedicated to praying for me daily.

          I’m thankful for the gifts and passions You’ve instilled into the heart of Your daughter; thank You for being proud of me and thank You for being all I need. You are God and I am not; Kneeling humbly before You I ask that You’d keep sustaining me, that You would keep reminding me all I have so that I won’t take it for granted. My heart and mind are open to Your will and Your plan, even if that means You keep breaking me.

Here I am,
Kristen 

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so we also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted it is your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so you also share in our comfort.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-7

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:18