Once upon a time, I fell.
I fell HARD.
I woke up in the middle of the night and started questioning EVERYTHING that I believed in. Asking if God was real, if He loved me, if He did move, everything I had always believed was true. It all came out of nowhere, and my normal state of mind(unquiet, eternally swimming with different thoughts and feelings) suddenly went blank. I think that was the scariest part of all.
I didn’t know what to do. I felt so, so down on myself for doubting, thinking I was an awful person and how could I possibly tell the beautiful people of Nicaragua about Jesus when I was doubting everything about Him?
Oh, sorry, I guess I forgot to mention that this began last week.
As I wrestled with this, we learned we would be sharing a message with some people our age, and the idea of talking about trust started rolling around in my head. I told some people about it, and they encouraged me to speak.
As I sat down to pray to the God whose very nature I was struggling to trust and have faith with, I cried out to Him. How was I supposed to share a message about trust when I was having trouble believing my own words? My heart was heavy as I prayed for Him to provide someone I could relate to.
I sat down to give my message, super nervous. I came right out and told everyone that I was struggling with this and it was as much a lesson for me as anyone else.
“Trust is easy when things are easy and going great…But then the hard times strike, the times where we really need to trust the LORD, and we can’t. We wonder why these things happen, and we try to carry it all on our own. That’s when we need to be willing to surrender these things to God, the Man with the Plan, and trust that He’s got it. We can’t do it on our own, carry these problems that weigh us lower and lower. He’s the God of all comfort…and He listens and loves, because He is love.”
I spoke these words and many more, and they were translated by this awesome girl named Haille, who’s a camp friend from a while back and without her, I don’t think I ever would have come to Nicaragua or known that I didn’t have to go straight to college to do something I loved with my life. She and our friend Yahaira were awesomely placed there by God to answer my prayer, to show me I wasn’t alone. If I hadn’t stepped up and spoke, I never would have heard their words.
I learned that having doubts is completely understandable because I am human. And it’s not all bad and scary…God lets doubts happen so we can be curious and seek Him and who He is more, and so we can KNOW these things. It is so much better to doubt and figure out what the truth really is rather than be naive and just accept whatever we’re spoon-fed.
The struggle will not go away instantly, but I know God totally is using it for His glory and for me to grow. It’s not the way I would have planned, but it’s way better.
